The Losers (2010)
You’ll find out about how this is an adaptation of the DC Vertigo comic by Andy Diggle & Jock on some other site, like Wikipedia. Or alternatively, here, because you’ve just read it. If you would like to discuss how faithful it was to the original issues, or how one of their hats is a different colour to the hat that was shown in issue 7, then pop your pimply behind off to some bedwetting little comics forum, you insufferable waste of oxygen and recourses you. Get a job and quit your whining. Here at Zombiehamster.com we deal with cold, hard, extended, throbbing facts! We deal with so many facts you’ll need two hands and an open mouth just to take the tip of these facts and…
….Damn… lost my train of thought there. I know what that’s from though, it’s from the gallons of testosterone that is currently flowing through me like horsie spunk flows through Marc Almond (allegedly). This is simply due to the fact that I have recently sat through The Losers and it scratched me in that funny spot that makes my leg kick off a bit.
Five mercenaries are on a mission in Bolivia, to kill some murdering, drug running foreign types (damn their eyes) but recoil at the revelation that there is a huge busload of children being used as drug mules. Their orders are to proceed regardless (like in The Running Man), but they are not men of compassionless malevolence, they’re Americans for God’s sake. Their orders come from a faceless armchair General (who is faceless because he’s on the radio transmitter, he may or may not be a General and he may or may not be sitting down but who’s writing this, you? No, it’s not you, it’s me, unless I’m reading it back, which I don’t usually, cos that’s the type of gung ho, living on the edge kind of adventure junkie that I am) called Max.
Max is bad.
They bundle the children in the helicopter after a daring rescue in which people get shot and some stuff explodes. Then the helicopter explodes, splattering tiny pieces of Bolivian children across the forest floor. So far so good, but here’s the catch, the mercenaries are all believed to be on the helicopter, so they are all pronounced dead.
The rest of the movie consists of the five men and a tagalong lady hunting Max and cleverly blowing up things and shooting people in imaginative ways. It’s part A Team, part The Big Hit (long forgotten but worthwhile Mark Wahlberg action film from the late 90’s). The films greatest selling point is Jeffrey Dean Morgan (The Comedian from Watchmen) who is like a hunkier Robert Downey Jr (especially now that RDJ has gone a bit preeny and smug and makes bloody terrible movies like Sherlock Holmes, Jesus, did you WATCH that crap?) and I love him, just a little bit. Apparently he was in a movie with Gerard Butler in which the two of them are driven to the edge and have to kill Hilary Swank because she stole their families and they want them back. The movie is called PS I Love You and I am going to watch it and drink heavily until my synopsis transpires as the actual plot.
So, yeah, anyways, this Losers film is great if you like one liners, explosions, guns and fancy cinematography. If there is some form of cultural subtext or greater meaning, you lost me about 15 minutes in buddy, but if you want to see a man get blown off a motorbike into a jet engine which then explodes, then you are in the right place. It also has a highly skilled Asian sniper man in a nice hat.
Highly recommended.
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